September 15, 2016

Greetings friends!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  Yesterday I was reviewing some notes in my journal and came across some of thoughts I wrote down on September 15, 2016.  As many of you know, I have been somewhat open and vulnerable (via writing) and thought I would share what I wrote in the fall last year......


Today I travel back home after being gone for 3 days.  I went to Arizona and Denver.....always for work.  This morning started as any other day.  I woke up, worked out, went back to the room and got dressed.  What I did not expect was the flood of emotions that quickly consumed me.  Those emotions started with irritation at the hotel when I couldn't figure out how to get to the 2nd floor.  When I went to the lobby and asked the front desk lady where to go, she directed me to the 5th floor.  "Okay lady, this isn't right!"  I text Deborah to see where she was but she didn't respond so out of saving someone form my impending wrath, I went to get the car from the garage.  I drove back around, went inside the hotel to get Deborah.  At that point I realized what I was looking for on the 2nd floor was actually called the atrium.  I was hungry and wanted some coffee but concierge service would not be my friend today.  Off to the airport we went.  Why I was moody and irritable, I don't know but I wasn't very talkative on the drive to the airport.  I dropped Deborah off at the terminal since her flight was before mine.  I am sure the tension energy coming from my body was felt but she maintained herself and continued as if I was normal. 


I drove on to drop off the rental car and head to the gate.  I was just in a mood!  I made my way through the airport, grabbed some food, ate and waited.  During the wait for boarding is when the water works decided to fall.  I was simply scrolling Facebook when I came across a post from a sweet friend of mine.  It was her mothers birthday.  She lost her mother many years ago to cancer...fucking disease!!!  Anyway her post was so beautiful and moving that before I knew it, the tears were coming!!  I didn't really know her mother so why was I so emotional?  Was it because I recently lost Daddy?  Was it because airports have a different feeling for me when traveling alone?  After all, it was at the airport that I cried sitting at the bar after Daddy passed.  Was it because I was PMSing?.....fucking periods!!!  I usually attribute high emotion to periods!  I really don't why I was crying like I did but what I do know is that I cried a lot...at the gate, in the bathroom....I couldn't pull it together!  During this emotional breakdown I decide to accept the challenge my friend threw out and cut my hair to donate to Locks for Love for cancer victims.  I even posted it so I couldn't back out!  This is for you Nicole and your mom.  This is for you Jamie as you fight for your life. 


So I board the plane.  I usually sit in an aisle seat so I don't have to disturb others when I have to pee but I sit by the window instead.  That was smart, especially given how much water I drank and diet pills I'm taking.  That was smart!-NOT!  Anyway, the plane is full and sitting next to me is the woman who I sat next to at the gate who also witnessed all my tears. She looked at me with sympathy and asked if I was okay.  It was as if she wanted me to feel better and not feel alone.  Thank you pretty lady, I think I'll be okay.  I am ready to get home.  I miss my family.  I miss my home.  Why did I sit by the window?!?!....fucking bladder!  I land in an hour or so.  Off to get the kiddo from school then the salon.  I think a new hairdo is just what I need.  I started working out again.  I stopped after Daddy died.  I started drinking a little more wine (just a glass or bottle or two) so that with no exercise leads to gaining 8lbs.  I'll get it off...I'll find myself...I'll breathe again. 


Emotions come in waves.  Those waves hit you so unexpectedly and hard.  All you can do is breathe, go under and come back up.  The waters get calm and then they get rough.  When they get rough I will hold on and push through. 


Still on the plane.  This flight was actually shorter than I anticipated......still have to pee but holding it.  I should do more kegels!  Okay so I have relief now that we landed.  I made a bee line to the bathroom...YES!  I made it!!  Travel is always eventful!  I am so glad to be home, still need to release some emotion but at least I can cry in the car.  The hair is coming off today....can't wait! 


Live in the moment....this too shall pass!

Gratitude? Or am I in my feelings?

Why should I smile when I see you?  Remember, you left me.  

Why should I appreciate what you have done for me?  Do you appreciate what I did for you? 

I watched you grow up.  I fed you.  I nourished you.  I loved you.  Did you forget? 

Yes you loved me too.  You helped me become better.  You gave me the breath of life. 

We were good to each other. 

No, I wasn’t perfect.  But neither were you. 

When I needed you the most, you didn’t come through. 

We celebrated the good and cried during the bad. 

We vowed that regardless of what happened, we would stay true to each other. 

The last night we had was supposed to be perfect.  We were supposed to reach our greatest height. 

What happened that night?  Something was wrong and you weren’t yourself but I didn’t know why. 

Maybe it was because you were already gone.  Someone else had a hold on your heart. 

You could have told me.  We could have worked it out. 

Instead you decided to leave without giving it one more try. 

You deserve to be happy….I’m not saying you don’t.  That was never in question. 

Just don’t be a coward.  Don’t be a sneak.  Don’t go behind my back. 

You quit too soon. 

Now you are back.  Am I supposed to be happy?  Am I supposed to welcome you with open arms? 

“Remember what I gave you?”  Yeah, I remember.  I also remember how you left. 

Don’t look to me for your forgiveness.  Don’t look for me to be your saving grace. 

Perhaps one day you will be forgiven, perhaps one day you won’t. 

You have your feelings.  I have mine too. 

The best thing I can say right now is…..Bye Boo!

Odd Man Out

Greetings Friends!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  Remember when we were kids and making friends, trying to fit in was all that mattered?  I grew up with the same group of friends from kindergarten to 12^th grade.  I never had to “make friends”.  We were established in our role, hierarchy and social status before we knew what any of that meant.  College was different.  I connected easily with less than a handful of people.  I didn’t socialize well or make many friends.  Honestly though, I didn’t care…..simply because I had my friends back home. 

It is interesting to see however as we grow up and our lives evolve, the process of friendship doesn’t change.  In fact, I think for some of us, it gets even harder.  If you are married, you become friends with other married people.  Your circle expands with the spouses of your spouse’s friends.  Once children are part of the equation, the friend circle gets bigger with the parents of your kids friends. 

There are a few dynamics that can significantly change the relationships mentioned above.  Let’s say you get divorced…….well, the “couples” you were such good friends with don’t necessarily want their husband or wife hanging out with the newly single you.  All of a sudden, the invites slow down, people are busy or the evening out is for couples and you would be the odd man out.  It becomes uncomfortable for you and for them. 

Let’s not forget…..All the Single Ladies…..boy Beyoncé tried it didn’t she!?!?!  Single women around the world put their hands up in solidarity!!  Well sisters…..where is that solidarity when you are the new “single” mom on the block?  I don’t mean divorced mom….but truly, never been married single mom.  The single mom at school, trying to make friends with all the married moms has to be the hardest friendships to create.  It takes a moment for them to let you in.  It is as if they are waiting it out…..what is her kid like?  Are they here for one year?  Is she flighty?  She isn’t divorced…….oh, she is a single mom L  It is said with a little tone of “poor baby girl”.  There is always one married mom however to welcome you to the fold.  She slowly introduces you to the group.  They offer to let you carpool during fieldtrips.  Or speak to you during school plays….”Hi….how are you?  So good to see you!”  Of course said with a little smile and side hug.  The only thing is, you aren’t in the circle.  The first sign is when you see a few pictures on social media and think….”hmm, they all went out?”  Let’s not forget the family vacation trips or the girl’s trips or the dinner dates or the house hangovers or…..STOP!!!! 

Why do we seek approval?  We all have a core group of people we spend our time with.  Still however, especially women, we want, desire, crave and need to be accepted in all social circles.  We start to feel some kind of way when one of the friend groups doesn’t openly let us in. 

It is a strange dynamic to witness and even stranger to be a part of.  I guess at the end of the day, we never stop being little kids wanting to make friends on the playground.  We never stop wanting to sit at the table during lunch and have someone openly welcome us in.  The best thing we can do is remember what it feels like to be left out and vow not to be a contributor to the problem.  No one wants to be the “Odd Man Out”.

Love you all!!

Letters

Greetings friends! I pray the day is treating you well.  Why did people stop writing letters?  Letters are what we have along with pictures to cherish and remember those when they are gone.  I used to ask my father to write me letters.  I wanted his handwriting and words so I could read and get lost in my memories.  I wanted to be able to see his print, the curve of the pen and hear him speak from the written words on paper. 

Before email, cell phones, text messages or just a phone line at home, letters were all we had to communicate.  Lovers would write expressing their feelings and sharing their commitments with each other.  They would write of longing and yearning to hold their precious love close.  Letters filled the memory boxes of our grandmothers, great grandmothers and the many grandmothers before.

I would anxiously await letters from my sister when she was in college.  I remember the excitement of getting mail and hearing about her adventures as a co-ed.  As soon as I finished reading her letters I would write her back and tell of my 8/9 year old activities. 

I found a postcard I sent my Grandmother while I lived in Mexico.  The passion and emotion I felt at the time and expressing that to her on paper was priceless.  Even more was finding the postcard in her room long after her death and knowing that she kept my correspondence and how that alone warmed my heart. 

I write letters to my son.  I started writing while he was growing inside me.  I wrote to him as if I wouldn’t be here to share his life.  I wrote of my excitement as he would grow up to become a young boy, a teen, a young man, a college grad.  I wrote to him about his first love, his first heartbreak.  I wrote to him about the day he marries and becomes a father.  I wrote to him about my prayers and dreams for his life.  I still write to him.  I continue to share his life…past, present and future….in prose.  He has never read these letters.  They are not for him to read today but for him to read when I am gone.  My words and my memory for him to have and share with his future generations to come. 

Perhaps that is why I blog.  My thoughts, ideas, fears, failures and success are written.  They are forever there.  What was on my mind at that given moment is on paper for anyone and everyone to read.  This piece of me will live forever. 

Love you all!!!

Birthday Girl!

Greetings friends!!  I pray the day is treating you well!!

Well…..today is my birthday…43 years young to be exact!!  I am always grateful every birthday and thankful for what has been given to me.  I use my birthday as a time to reflect on the last year of my life and the changes that have occurred.  This last year has been one of transformation.  When I turned 42 I was dealing with challenges and obstacles both personal and professional.  It was a time when I felt I had very little control.  It was a time when I was being forced to grow and stretch myself more than I knew I could. 

Work was overwhelming…..travel and time away from home.  Daddy was living with me, Porter was not adjusting to my schedule from the year and honestly I felt like I was losing it as a team member at work, a mother and a daughter. 

What I learned last year after my birthday was that I was stronger than any situation placed before me.  I began to understand that in order for me to handle all that was placed upon me, I had to recognize and maximize my strengths while identifying my weaknesses and turning those weaknesses into strengths. 

Beginning with work……

My work schedule was crazy and I was traveling every other week.  I wasn’t performing at my peak or in my core but staying in my extremes…..over promising and under delivering, working to perform but not at mastery then drifting into no man’s land because there is too much to do and not enough time (or time management) to do it in.  My results did not reflect my abilities and I allowed my personal life to spill over into my professional life.  After a few hard conversations I understood what was missing.  I was missing.  By that I mean, I stopped thinking for myself, I stopped managing my business, I stopped listening to my creative voice, I stopped being an Entrepreneur.  I wasn’t doing anything I knew how to do.  Once I was able to see that, I was able to change it.  Change started immediately.  The changes at work began to take flight the minute I made changes at home. 

 

Then there was me……..

Who knew how much stress effects one’s life?!?  I had never been a stress eater….food has never been my source of comfort during times of turmoil.  All of a sudden I was eating chips (Cheetos to be exact), fast food and drinking wine (okay, I still drink wine….just not as much LOL).  When times at work were overwhelming I would come home and eat Cheetos.  When home was overwhelming, I would eat Cheetos…..Cheetos and everything else turned into 25 additional pounds.  Nothing like your pants being too tight or seeing yourself in a picture to make you realize it is time for a change.  Have you ever been able to rest your crossed arms on top of your stomach?!  Yeah…….not a good look.  I made a decision….a decision to regain control of my life.  My stress reliever was working out.  There is nothing like being sick and tired of where you are to make changes.  I followed an intense program and strict diet.  6 weeks later, I was 25 pounds lighter and still counting!!  I knew that the person looking in the mirror was not me and I wanted to see her again.  I praised GOD for allowing me not only to recognize my triggers and the consequence of allowing them to take control but for giving me the internal strength and desire to overcome.  As I transformed my body and cleared my mind, things at work became clear and home became a lot easier. 

 

A house is not a home…..

Porter was not happy with the schedule I was working and I couldn’t blame him.  He was also adjusting to changes at school and with Daddy living with us.  Being a 6^th grader introduced a new dynamic he was ready for but not ready for it when I was barely around.  Daddy moved in that summer.  His health was at the beginning stages of a soon decline one year later.  I loved my time with him and we created some very special memories.  No one prepares you for the changes your parent will undergo as their age becomes a factor.  The forgetfulness, falling, becoming dependent and regressing to the stages of a young child and baby during the beginning of their life.  I had to learn how to ask for help.  I was grateful for my patience and thankful I identified and accepted the role I was in at that point.  Porter saw his Grandfather differently and we both appreciated our relationship with him and understood how to overcome our perceived challenges. 

 

It is time……

GOD does not give us more than we can bear.  HE gives us exactly what we need and sometimes a little bit more.  It is up to us on how we deal with all HE places upon us.  At work I trusted myself and my team.  We saw each day as a new day to make a difference and raise our performance.  We achieved the results and I learned exactly what I was made of and who I was.  For myself, I relished in the process of transformation.  I found great joy in being disciplined and accountable.  The physical changes were only a small part of my transformation.  I have been able to connect with a part of my internal self I had never found before.  At home I showed my son the true meaning of unconditional love.  I watched him bond on a deeper level with my father.  I bonded on a deeper level with my father as well and had a greater appreciation for what my mother did when she cared for her mother. 

 

If only we had a crystal ball to tell us what was coming and all that life had in store.  I suppose if we did, life would be kind of boring.  The plus side would be being able to tell those you love how you feel and never letting a single moment go by. 

 

Today I am 43 years young.  I reflect on the last year of my life and I am so eternally grateful for all GOD has given to me.  I didn’t know that this year my father wouldn’t be here to share this birthday with me.  He was 43 when I was born and today so am I.  I found a birthday note he wrote to me on my 39^th birthday.  His message is a true now as it was then.  The good Lord has not given me a lot of loss.  He has given me an abundance of love.  I may have loss the physical being of my father but his love lives in me forever and ever.  This birthday was a little harder than the ones before but no less special.  For the favor the Lord has bestowed is not unnoticed and never taken for granted. 

 

Who knows what this next year will bring?  I don’t have a crystal ball……that’s okay.  I will be ready for what is to come my way……..grateful, humble and blessed. 

 

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Love you all!!!

Life and Death

Greetings to all!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  I always try in my post to provide some insight and something motivational to help others work through trials and have a positive outlook on the different challenges of life.  As I share these post, it serves to be a moment of inspiration and clarity for me.  They are always personal and are birthed from some personal experience I would have recently had. 

The loss of those we love is difficult for anyone.  I have experienced it a few times in my life and the process never gets any easier.  We hope we are lucky enough to make wonderful memories with those we care so much for.  We should, while they are living, take advantage of the time we are able to spend together.  I find that the fear of loss is what is frightful.  To be left to live without those we care so much about is difficult to imagine but we all know it is a time that will come sooner or later. 

Some loss occurs unexpectedly…….a car accident, a heart attack or any other event that would take our loves one before we (or they) are prepared.  Then of course there is loss that occurs due to ailing health, when you know your loved one will soon pass.  Let’s not forget old age…..none of us are immortal.

The loss of my Grandmother Sneed was the first time I really experienced that emotion and the void that is left when someone so dear to you is no longer here.  She suffered from cancer……such an awful disease.  I was 27 years old.  She was my Mother’s mother and the only Grandparent I really knew.  I won’t say I was ready for her to go but I had an understanding of her condition, her age and the effects of cancer. 

When my Great-Aunts passed away, I was prepared more for their death.  They were elderly and becoming sick so I knew that time would come. 

I was fortunate enough to work for a great leader.  Dr. Steffan was my mentor and someone I looked up to.  He taught me everything I know about dentistry.  He too was diagnosed with cancer.  His death however was unexpected.  We thought he was getting treatment and would recover.  We had no idea how bad he was.  When I received the call that he had passed away, I was so shocked, scared, upset and heartbroken.  The funny thing about life and death is that before Dr. Steffan passed away, I had a dream about him.  We were at work and I saw Dr. Steffen pull up outside.  I needed to talk to him and as I chased behind him, calling his name, I couldn’t catch him.  He kept saying, “You know what to do Susan”.  Those were his words to me and I kept telling him I needed to speak to him but he wouldn’t stop for me to catch up.  Shortly thereafter, he passed away.  I had a few more dreams about him after that…..always worked related and at a time when I was struggling and needed his guidance. 

I have also had dreams about my best friend’s Mother, Mrs. Bates.  I loved her dearly and her death had a big impact on me.  She would be in my dreams, always out of reach but around and I could see her and tried to talk to her.  I had a dream that my Grandmother was living again.  She was living across the street from me but I could never see her and she would never come out of the house.  I thought she was living although I knew she was not.  I had this recurring dream for some time before it finally just stopped. 

Today I sit in the hospital.  I am forced to face the reality that my Father may soon depart this earth.  It is a moment of denial for me.  I look at him in the hospital bed and can’t help but be optimistic that he is going to wake up and go home.  He is 86 years old.  He has had a wonderful life and has been blessed beyond measure.  I understand however that he is ill and he is elderly.  He has Alzheimer’s, Dementia, cancer on his kidney and pneumonia.  Even with all of that, he looks good, his color is great, he is trying to talk and knows when you are around.  We sit today and watch the beginning of the National Republican Convention.  My father…….always the politician, the leader, the fighter and the crusader. 

I don’t know what the next few days look like, the next few weeks or the next few months.  What I do know is that I love my Father, I have been a good daughter and I know I have made him proud. 

Love you all!!!!

Ignorance!

Greetings my friends.  I pray the day is treating you well.  What do you do when ignorance is right in front of you?  How do you respond……..or don’t respond……when someone spews verbal hatred?  I don’t understand racism, prejudice or bigotry.  I don’t understand why ignorance runs rampant in our world. 

I have spent the last 5 days enjoying Paris.  I have experienced a different culture and way of life.  I have watched fashionistas with Gucci cross body bags ride bicycles in the Champ de Elysees.  I have observed different races, different cultures converse about what they see and their experiences, in what is said to be, one of the best places on Earth. 

Tonight we celebrated the birthday of my dear friend.  We dressed up, ate at a beautiful hotel, drank wine, laughed, snapped pictures, talked and embraced our environment.  At the end of our evening, we walked outside ready to take some last minute photos before our Uber arrived. 

What happened next was unexpected and disappointing.  A group of people (obviously drunk….at least I hope they were) got into their car in front of where we were standing.  “1, 2, 3, 4, catch a Nigger by the toe!”……….Now say what?!?!  Did I really just hear that?  Did this really just happen?  Okay…….let me think before I act.  The natural response that brews inside when that word is heard is something that I can’t explain.  I am in Paris, they are in a car, I am with my son, I am with my friend, she is with her baby…….okay let me think before I act. 

My son, being ever so observant, said “Mom…..don’t!  Mom…..I see you, let it go!”  So, I stood there and stared……I stared at the passengers in the car.  I stared at the silly, drunk, ignorant buffoons in the back seat.  The girls saw me looking…..eyes piercing their vehicle.  As if I were Superman with laser focus burning the back of the car.  They ducked down (as if I couldn’t see them).  They told the men up front to drive off (which they did not for several minutes).  They would not look at me.  When they did and I was STILL staring, they quickly turned away.  As they drove out one girl mumbled something about Cookie Lyon….blah, blah, blah and off they went. 

In the moment of processing my thoughts I realized that ignorance is ignorance.  Yes, my reaction was to go over to the car, grab someone by the hair, pull them out and proceed to unleash my fury.  My reaction was to walk to the window and spit in the face of hatred.  Those words are hatred!  I could never imagine myself saying ANYTHING like that of any race!  Who does that?  When is that okay?  How is that okay?  How do you fix your mouth to say those words?  Cracker…..Honkey…….Sand Nigger…….Chink…….Wetback……..Oreo……..whatever the word, it is all the same……ignorance.  Racism, prejudice and bigotry are birthed from ignorance.  Ignorance of other cultures, ignorance of other races, ignorance of action, ignorance. 

I would have never thought that I would come to Paris and be subject to such a thing.  Don’t get me wrong, it happens everywhere, but in this moment, it was so unexpected and so disappointing.

If you have never been on the receiving end, then it may be hard for you to understand.  It may be hard for you to identify with the feelings, the blood boiling, the heart pounding, the fist clinching, the anger you feel when someone disrespects who you are. 

I continued to stare the car down and even took a photo to somehow public shame these idiots.  As they drove off, I understood what I witnessed was ignorance.  We will fight, not with our fists but with our words, our actions, creating awareness, having conversations, championing change and bridging the gaps.  I will educate my son so he is aware, he is prepared, he is informed and he is enlightened.  He just had the opportunity to meet a beautiful woman from Morocco who spoke so passionately about her world travels, her time in America and her life in Paris.  She told him how he would be loved in Morocco.  She was so open and so true. 

That was a moment I had to let pass.  That was a moment I had to recognize the ignorance and let them be.  That was a moment I used to teach my son some very valuable life lessons.  Things I pray he never experiences but unfortunately I am afraid he will again. 

Does it ever stop?  I don’t know, I hope so, I pray so.  Today was a good day…..it was a great day.  So, I see ignorance as ignorance and chose to let them be.  The next person may not be so forgiving.  I may not be so forgiving.  Let us educate, embrace and respect.  You don’t have to know me but you will respect me. 

Love to you all!!!

Paris!

Greetings to all!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  

Is it necessary to pinch myself?  I sit here looking around the room and realize again….I am in Paris!!!  There is something magical about this city.  I understand all the hype that goes into Paris!!!  My son and I ventured across the ocean to come to a land we have never explored before.  How would the flight be?  How would he be?  What would he eat?  That is the million dollar question.  My son has a very limited palate….something unfortunately he inherited from me (not now but as a kid).  We have managed to survive so far.  The food is only a small part however of this Parisian adventure.  For him to experience another country, another culture at an age that he will remember is a priceless opportunity for me. 

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I experienced other countries at a young age.  I did chose to study Spanish in college although I had no exposure to the language or culture outside of high school Spanish.  I would have moved to Mexico had I not become pregnant with my son.  Knowing that I have a love of languages naturally, I wonder what would have been if at 12 yrs. old, I was able to see Europe? 

I could see myself living in Paris.  The beautiful scenery, the landscape.  The fashion and uniqueness of everyone walking down the street.  I love the play of dressy attire with tennis shoes and denim jackets.  Smoking is like drinking water here…..very interesting.  I wonder how many people in France have lung cancer.  I tend to believe not as many as in the US (percentage of people with cancer in accordance to number of residents).  I think their tobacco is probably not as toxic as ours with lots of other things added to it.  I don’t know…..I will have to research that. 

It is a social city.  The restaurants are full of people eating bread, olives, nuts and cheese while drinking wine.  From early afternoon to late evening, it is as if no one wants to go home.  In the summer, the days are light until late, late evening.  With the early rise of the sun the markets open, shop keepers are sweeping the sidewalks.  There are people out having café and croissants.  The morning is just as active as the evening.  Everyone is stylish in their own way.  There is a sense of style that resonates throughout the entire city. 

For this American girl, I am enjoying my adventures overseas.  I am enjoying my time abroad.  I am so grateful that I am able to share this experience with my son.  I am so blessed to have friendships that transcend time and I am able to be here with my best friend.  I am so thankful for the freedom of time to be able to be here.  I am humbled by the adventures I am able to take that so many are unable to achieve.  I am grateful that the good LORD gave me this life.  To HIM I give honor and praise and appreciate the beauty of the world he created.

And so, GOD willing, I will wake tomorrow and continue to explore this city….Paris!

Love you all!!!!

Contribution

Greetings friends!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  As I enjoy a beautiful and sunny Sunday afternoon, I find myself thinking about the planet and the environment in which I live.  I find myself thinking about the luxuries I enjoy everyday and the accessibility to those things I desire. 

I am currently taking a class that has focused a great deal on the ability of a society to sustain itself and whether or not our actions of today will lead to a collapse of that society tomorrow.  Examples have been given of other societies that have collapsed (i.e. Easter Island) but now in the final days of class, we are focused on our comsuption and irresponsible behavior in the U.S.

I have never been one for "Go Green".  Not that I oppose recycling but I am truly a consumer.  I leave lights on, the TV is on in more than one room, I don't unplug electronics while not in use.  All of these things not because I am trying to destroy the environment, but because I never really thought that my attention to this detail would make a big difference.

As I educate myself however, I am learning that attention to these details will make a difference.  I stopped buying bottled water and instead have my one water bottle that I refill everyday.  I use my tote bags in Wal-Mart, Target and grocery stores instead of using the plastic bags they have at checkout.  I am working on unplugging unused electronics....but will admit, I am not totally there yet.  I truly believe educating yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself because it is through this that my eyes have opened a little more.

So what's the point of all of this.....well simply put, a little bit from everyone makes a difference.  I am not becoming an environmentalist....at least not yet.....but I am becoming aware of what is going on around me and the role that I play in my environment.  I also planted a garden.....a way to sustain myself  and my family....my contribution to the bigger picture.  Perhaps one day my consumption will decrease, I will depend on solar power, I will stop watching TV....or at least decrease the amount that I do.  Until then I feel good knowing I made a start...took a few steps.  My job now is to inform and educate my son.  After all, it's my job to make sure the world he is left to live in is one worth having. 

Find your mojo, know your role and educate yourself!!!  Love you all!!!

What's My Worth?

Greetings friends!!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  My blog today is about worth.  What is your worth, more importantly (as it pertains to this blog) a woman's worth.

As I searched Google for various articles, I came across one about Master P, his wife Sonya and their impending divorce.  She is asking for 37% of his vast billion dollar fortune.  Since their relationship began back in the day and Master P was simply a hustling man working his way to fame and fortune, a prenup was not signed.  Now it seems Master P doesn't think his wife is deserving of the money she is asking for. 

So my question to you is.....what's a woman's worth?  Many women stand beside their man as he works hard to achieve the success he so deeply desires.  So many of these relationships begin in high school, college, grad school etc. when he is another struggling Joe Blow working his way up the corporate ladder.  It is during this time that a woman proves her value and shows how much faith she has in the man she loves.  It is during this time that they may live together, marry and/or start a family.  If he is in school, she may work so he doesn't have to and can focus on his studies.  She may work and pay all the bills so he can focus on building a music career, start a business or have time to train and develop his athletic skills.  It is during this time that she will be the encourager, motivator, sh*t taker, secretary, travel agent, life coach, business manager, study partner, housekeeper, solo child care provider and lover.  It is during this time she may forgo her own ambitions and dreams so he can focus on his....sometimes with the promise of "next year baby, you can work on that" only to find that "next year" doesn't come. 

Her hard work, determination and devotion is greatly rewarded when her man achieves his success.  She is probably more proud than he because she was able to watch him work hard and grow into the man he has become.  She knows her love and support never waivered and she stood beside him all this time. 

The fairy tale is that they continue to grow together, she is able to achieve her goals and dreams too.  They provide a life for their family that perhaps was never a reality for them as children.  She is his right hand and his biggest cheerleader.  He values her and everything she did for him so he could do what he needed to for himself, for her, their family and THEIR future.  In the fairy tale, they grow old together and love each other until the day they die.

Sometimes the fairy tale is the reality but when it is not....then what?  Are all the things that occurred up to that point null and void?  Were her sacrifices in vain?  During the rise of his success did she endure other hardships....cheating, left to raise a family alone, left in the shadows and left to tolerate all of it.....after all, she gave up her youth for him....there is no way she is walking away now. 

At the moment when divorce seems inevitable, what is her worth then?  Is she told..."you didn't make me....I made me".  Is she left for a younger version of herself?  Is she devalued by her children because they only see a "Mom" who stayed home while Dad worked....not the smart, savvy, resourceful woman she really is? 

If the roles were reversed.....if men stayed home, played the supportive role while their girlfriend, wife, worked hard to achieve her dreams of becoming a pop star, CEO, doctor, lawyer, business owner....if after she gave birth, she went back to work and he stayed home with the kids, did her errands, took care of managing the family while she worked 15 hour days, only to end in divorce and told "you didn't make me, I made me....you aren't entitled to any of MY fortune", would he feel the same or say "okay...no problem....let me start my life over at 40, 50 or 60 years old".  How we he feel?  How would you feel?

I have an opinion on this matter and I have seen the above scenario play out in real life.  I have seen the effects and understand the cause.  A woman's worth can not be valued by a dollar amount because if she is a strong woman, who loves her family and loved her man.....the sacrifices she made are priceless.  All I can say Master P and others who may feel the same.......if you take a look back over your life, look at the one who gave up herself for you, she would be entitled to part of the life she helped you build. 

Unfortunately ladies.....we are often on the short end of the stick.  Find your MOJO, build your life and never forget who you are.....the true being of your core is never gone, regardless of how much of her you think you gave away.

Love you all!!!

Problem or Solution?

Greetings to all!!!  I pray the day is treating your well.  I heard something today that was eye opening to me.  When we focus on the problem, we will never see the solution!!  Wow!!  Really??!!  Well duh!!!  Something so simple is so true. 

I work in management and deal with different people and different problems everyday.  Some days it seems I am a firefighter and spend all my time putting out the flames and smothering the smoke before it becomes a full blown 5-alarm fire.  Part of the challenge and why I think so many "problems" are never resolved is because we spend time focused on the problem and not the solution. 

I get it....it is easy to complain....it is a lot easier to gripe about what is going on than it is to actually work on making the problem better.  Why?  Isn't it exhausting when someone complains all day long?  Doesn't it just suck the life right out of you when you hear constant negativity all day long?  Then stop it!!  Yes....YOU....STOP IT!!! 

You stop it!!!......Stop the person when they complain about something (at work, at home, etc.).  Stop and ask them, "So what are you going to do about it?".  If anyone brings me a complaint, then they better bring me a solution. 

You stop it!!!.....Stop feeding the negativity.  If you starve something, it will die.  Stop feeding into the drama and entertaining problems.  At this point, ACT and become part of the solution. 

You stop it!!!......Work on becoming the person who solves problems.  There is danger here though.  You can be the person who solves problems, but don't do it alone.  Use your problem solving skills and help others develop those same skills so everyone becomes part of the solution instead of everyone being part of the problem.  Don't be the lone firefighter. 

So, let's do this.....the next time someone brings you a problem I encourage you to STOP and ask qualifying questions.  What is the real problem?  Typically what they say first isn't the problem.  Dig deeper and uncover what is underneath.  Talk through possible options.  Ask why, what, who and how.  When you talk out the problem and discuss the challenges you have, a solution is always found. 

All of the things mentioned above require one key element.  It requires leadership.  Leadership includes trust.  It includes conversation.  It includes a commitment to being part of the solution and not part of the problem. 

Find your Mojo!!!  Love you all!!

Re-define Who You Are

Greetings friends!!! I pray the day is treating you well. Question for today.....Whose job is it to tell us who we are? Who has to right to "define" the person we were, we are or who we are going to be? You can't control others opinions of you (although your actions and character influence their opinions) but you can completely control your opinion of yourself. We often compare ourselves to others. We compare our look, our possessions, our children and our families to those of others. In this social media obsessed world we live in we also compare ourselves to reality stars and celebrities as if they were our next door neighbors.

Well my dear friends.....I am here to tell you.....YOU define who you are and if you aren't satisfied with your life or yourself at this moment, then RE-DEFINE who you are and become the person you want to be. Now please understand....this message has one very clear point....you MUST learn to be happy with YOU and work to become the best you not the best imitation of someone else. We each have individual gifts, talents and attributes that make us who we are. If we spend our time trying to be someone else, then we will never achieve self satisfaction or the happiness we yearn to have.

Re-defining yourself can be many things. It is achieved by being open, honest, positive, accepting and a willingness to change. Sometimes it means stepping outside our comfort zone. We have to become uncomfortable to be comfortable again. Quite often our lives force us to re-define who we are. Life changing events such as marriage, children, loss of a loved one, changes at work, divorce or tragedy change the course of our lives and as we adapt to these changes we re-define the person we are. For example, I lived my life to the fullest in my 20's (who didn't right?!). I was responsible for myself only and took risk and did things that now, as a mother, I wouldn't dream of doing. It was time to "grow-up" and become a better me.....a better me so I could be the mom my son deserved. Life changing events can be the catalyst for change but more often than not we may need to re-define on our on accord and not wait for a special event to be the springboard to our better, enriched life.

So, how do you do this? Start with personal growth. Everything you know up to this point has gotten you this far. In order to become a better you, growth is essential. Read books with positive messages. One of my favorite books is What To Say When You Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. This book addresses our self talk. It is so easy for us to say what we can't do verses what we can. Changing your perception of yourself is the first step to re-defining and becoming a better you. The second step is to surround yourself with others who have achieved the success you wish to achieve and/or live a life with the values and morals you have or are working to embrace. If I want to become an executive at work, then I want to surround myself with other executives. If I want to open a business, I surround myself with other entrepreneurs. The key here is to identify the positive, uplifting support system you need and allow those individuals to be the loudest voice in your head. Lastly, it is important to set goals for yourself and write those goals down. If I have heard it once, I've heard it a million times.....Everyone should WRITE DOWN their goals. That is so true but writing down your goals is part 1. Part 2 is reading those goals-EVERYDAY. Remind yourself of everything you wish to achieve and who you want to be.  This way, when the "old you" tries to resurface, the "becoming you" will take center stage.

There is so much more I could write about but for me, the 3 steps mentioned above are the starting point for my re-definition. I will continue to grow and work towards improving myself. Everyday I fall in love with the person I am becoming.....and I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.  I pray the same for you.

Love you all!!!!!

It's my look....don't judge me!

Greetings to all!! I pray the day is treating you well. We live in a world today where anyone can be anyone they want to be. Remember the commercial...Is it real? Or is it Memorex? Well that is the question many people ask when they meet someone new. If you don't like your nose....get a new one. Want bigger breast....how about DD. Your natural hair isn't long enough....sew some in. In this world of self absorption, keeping up the Joneses and physical obsessions, it seems to need for others to change their natural look is stronger than ever. With a simple nip and tuck or a little glue or yarn....anyone can be anyone they want to be. There was a post on social media today about weave. The comments that poured in from men and their views on "un-natural" beauty were as comical as they were informative. So...the truth is a lot of guys don't like fake hair? Or at least not the type that looks fake. They think women wear make-up and hair extensions to compete with and please each other. Hmmm...let me think on that one. I know several women who wear hair extensions...from what I can tell they do it simply for one reason.....to please themselves. I wear make-up and I do it for one reason.....to please myself. I do understand their point about wearing so much make-up it rubs off on their clothes...or if you do wear hair extensions, failure to keep your hair groomed is simply unacceptable. I am sure if I were a man, I would want to run my hands through my girls hair (I like it when my man does!!) so wanting a woman in her natural state is understandable. The only thing "fake" I have ever worn are fingernails....and even with those, the cost of upkeep and damage to my natural nails was too much for me so I let those go. I have been guilty of judging others, failing to understand why a woman feels the need to have fake breast, face-lifts and with my beautiful black sisters....fake hair. I have challenged women to wear their natural hair and embrace their beauty as it is. With that being said, I have also learned that a woman should do whatever it is she wants to do if it makes her feel better about herself. If it makes her morning routine easier....if she is growing out her hair and extensions help....if she just doesn't like her small breast and wants a little more cleavage than she currently has....it's her prerogative. Who am I to tell someone they have no choice but to "shake what their Mama gave them"? So gentleman.....who are you to judge? Who are you to tell us how we should look? If men didn't like it and women with "enhanced" beauty didn't attract them, they would stop...right? If men truly loved the "natural" girl.....not the "natural" girl with fine textured hair and chiseled features.....then everyone would be natural right? Our look is what initially attracts us to each other. It takes more than looks to keep someone. The love you feel should be based on the person inside not outside. If you were initially attracted to a woman with fake accessories...in this case hair, and you saw what she looked like when she took it off, would you look at her any differently? Would you have been attracted to the natural woman the same way you were attracted to her before the extensions came out? At this point you are attracted to the person's spirit not their look....or I am wrong? I get it guys....I really do. I love my natural beauty, and I did wake up like this!!! The point is, I have learned not to judge others for what they chose to do for their self esteem, beauty routine or simple desire to be different....and you should do the same! Love you all!!

Forgiveness

Greetings to all!!! I pray the day is treating you well. To be grateful-one must also be FORGIVING. At some point in our lives we all experience hurt and pain. Sometimes intentional...sometimes unintentional-regardless, the pain is still the same. The hurt we experience could come from friends, family, co-workers, lovers or strangers. Imagine this...... Amanda loved adventure. She was the first person to try something new. She wore many hats and always gave 100% to all her endeavors. She surrounded herself with like minded individuals....people who shared her entrepreneurial spirit and drive to do more and be more. She considered herself to be a supportive friend-always there to cheer others on. She supported friends and family without exception. As her success grew so did the success of others. She was overjoyed and did everything she could to be a resource for them. As time progressed, she found her show of support was not reciprocated. It began to eat away at her. She found herself beginning to despise and envy the success of others because she felt no support from them in return. This couldn't continue. She wasn't this person. In order to genuinely care about others she couldn't judge them based on their treatment towards her. She couldn't let their lack of support cause her to feel ill-will towards them. She had to forgive! Everyone looks at things differently. We see things and experience things via our walk in life. When someone hurts you-forgiveness is the only option you have. Without it friendships are lost, families are torn apart. Without it we are incapable of being who we were meant to be and doing what we are meant to do. Amanda showed her support and had true joy in her heart for her friends. Those who supported her openly did and those who didn't-didn't-but it was okay. She loved them always and never stopped being the friend to others she wanted in return. Love and support the dreams of others. There is plenty of sunshine for us all. Love you all!!!

A Day Late and A Dollar Short

Greetings to all!! I pray the day is treating you well. Do you think any of us ever plan on being left behind? I don't. We don't want to be people who always "talk" about it. We want to be the people who DO something with it. Making changes in your life can be hard....especially when you do it alone. The goals and dreams you have are floating in the universe waiting to be brought to life. Your dreams....BIG ideas....need to become reality but know, if you don't act, someone else will!! When that happens you will find yourself A Day Late and A Dollar Short. The only thing we have is time. Once it is gone....it's gone. Lots of people have wonderful ideas. What is the difference between those who do and those who don't? EXECUTION!! Don't be a person who talks about it...be a person who IS about it. It would be a waste to look back on your life and realize all you didn't do....don't end up A Day Late and A Dollar Short. Seize your destiny and find your MOJO!!! Love you all!!!

Remembrance

Greetings to all!!! I pray the day is treating you well. Today is November 24th and for the past several days there has been show after show celebrating the life and remembering the death of John F. Kennedy Jr. He was a son, a brother, a father, a husband, a friend and a President. His untimely death left a nation mourning. The unthinkable act of assassination left a nation praying for answers. So many of the shows on television are stories from those who knew him, clips of his life, what's left of his legacy and many.....many people who remember where they were and what they were doing the very moment our President was shot. There are few events that happen in life that allow us to remember, as if it were yesterday, what we were doing and where we were. Those events are driven by extreme tragedy or pleasurable life moments. We have a need as humans to somehow connect ourselves to tragic events in history. For every history changing event that occurs, we read about it or experienced it. The same will be for every generation to come. I was not alive when John F. Kennedy was killed. I was not alive when Malcolm X was killed. I was not alive during the race riots, March on Washington or the bombing of Pearl Harbor. I have read about these events and I have talked to others who were alive and do remember, as if it were yesterday, where they were and what they were doing. I however do remember where I was and what I was doing when the OKC Murrah Building was bombed, 9/11, the O.J. Simpson verdict was read, the Rodney King verdict and the riots that ensued afterward. Those are moments in history my son will read about and ask me for a firsthand account. Connecting ourselves to these events allow us to be part of history. To be part of something bigger than ourselves and something that unites us with others. Events that in one way or another touch us and bind us. These events may or may not shape our individual futures but they do in one way or another shape the world we live in. Our need to remember allows us to cope, to deal with difficult situations. It allows us to mourn for others, for a nation, for a group of people or it angers us to fight for change, stop injustices, serve a greater good. Whatever the case may be, we remember. Our memories and our feelings are our own...No one can take them from us. We remember so we don't forget, we remember so we don't repeat, we remember to give honor.....do these things in remembrance of ....... Love you all!!!

Gratitude

Greetings to all!!! I pray the day is treating you well. Gratitude-What are you grateful for? Life is full of distractions, stress, obstacles, roadblocks and disappointments. It is a part of life. The bigger picture though is our response to those things. We have heard over and over it is our choice-we CHOOSE how we respond. Well in the moment, when you are experiencing that disappointment-it is hard to CHOOSE to be positive. What isn't hard though is to be grateful. We all have something to be thankful for. It's about making time/taking time to acknowledge it. What are you grateful for? STOP what you are doing right now and verbalize 3 things you are grateful for and SMILE while you say them. Your energy will shift....your mind will shift....writing this blog MY mind and energy has shifted. I am grateful for.... 1. My Life-I am thankful that I am LIVING and able to spend time with those I love every day. 2. My Drive-I am focused, motivated and determined to live the life I've dreamed of living. 3. YOU-Being a source of inspiration for others inspires me every day!! Without you my purpose would not be fulfilled. Years of feeding into others gave me a greater purpose in life. Every day be GRATEFUL!!! Give THANKS!!! SMILE!!! Find your mojo!!! Love you all!!

I was ALWAYS fabulous....now 40 is in front of it!!!

Greetings to all!! I pray the day is treating you well. It has been some time since my last blog post so forgive my tardiness. Today is a great day.....IT IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! Birthdays should be celebrated......it is another year of life GOD has given to us. Every year...every birthday brings new joy, new adventures and new challenges. I believe they are mile markers and an opportunity for each of us to reflect on the last year and plan for the next year. With that being said....I am 40 today!!! What a great day it is!! I am so excited about this next decade of my life. As I begin to celebrate the day and this new chapter, I would like to share with you the last......Turning 30 was a new beginning for me. I became a Mother, started a business and began the journey of BEING A WOMAN. My 20's were a time of fun....and there was a lot of it!!! So turning 30 was a new chapter and that decade of my life brought many changes. Being a Mom was the biggest one. Over the last 10 years, I have learned to love someone whole-heartedly. He has given me joy beyond my wildest dreams and watching him grow up and become his own person has been amazing!! I started a new career with a great company and learned so much about business and leadership from a dynamic man. He will never know how much he has impacted my life and losing him last year still carries much heartbreak. Nevertheless we continue on and my career has blossomed because of it. I have gained new friends who have become extended members of my already large (and sometimes dysfunctional) family. I strengthened the relationship and bond with my best friend and Father of my son. He is my family and I am his. Regardless of where our individual lives take us...we are forever together. So what is next? GOD willing I celebrate turning 50 I have an idea of what the next 10 years will be........MojoOriginal will no longer be a dream but a reality!! I will inspire, motivate and guide others towards fulfilling their dreams. I will continue to grow professionally and personally....becoming the woman I always intended to be. My son will be a teenager during this decade....he will be kind, understanding, a leader and won't sneak out of the house or cause me too much stress (Hey....I was a "good" teenager). My spiritual walk with GOD will reach new heights and my relationship with HIM will be physically visible and HE will allow me the privilege of leading others with their walk with HIM. My career will flourish and I will exceed my financial goals!! I will travel, love, experience heartbreak and loss. I will LIVE LIFE and cherish every day given to me. But for today.......I was always fabulous......now 40 is in front of it!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Love you all!! Susan

WE THE PEOPLE

Greetings to all!!! I pray the day is treating you well. America......we did it again!! How beautiful it is to live in a country and be able to speak and be heard. Once again, we the people exercised our right to vote and voted for the person we best believe will lead this country in the direction it should go. I am thankful that I have the opportunity, the freedom, the choice to vote. Many before me fought and died for this very cause and yesterday I made them proud. Politics and religion are two topics that split a nation. Regardless of your views, feelings, political side or religious beliefs, you should be grateful that you are able to express yourself without punishment. I pray for our great nation. I pray that GOD's will is done in this land and that his grace and favor rest upon OUR President. Whether you like it or not, he is OUR PRESIDENT. I rejoice in the beauty of this land and the freedoms we have. I pray that we continue to prosper and become a stronger, united country. GOD bless America!!! GOD bless Barack Obama!!! Love you all!!!

Growing Older....If Only We Are Lucky Enough

Greetings to all!! I pray the day is treating you well. I am learning more and more how precious but also temporary life is. With a recent birthday celebration and the recent loss of someone very dear, I count my blessings with a full, joyous heart that I am lucky enough to grow older. We live in a time when many people do not want to "tell" their age or "look" their age. Don't get me wrong.....I am all for healthy living and maintaining a youthful appearance. Understand however that a youthful appearance resonates within and shines throughout. I see many with nips and tucks, injections, fillers, lifts and restructuring. Why? To look like someone you are not? To look like a younger version of yourself because you don't want your true age to show? Well, if GOD blesses me with another year of life then I chose to wear my badges of honor with great pride. How wonderful would be at 90 years old to look back on my life and share my memories. To remember when my perky breast were a true eye catcher and acknowledge after months of breast feeding and age they are now lucky enough to rest on my stomach!! The laugh lines I have from happy memories because I smiled so much in my life my joy is permanently etched on my face. The wrinkles in my forehead from the years of stress my teenage son caused and the years of worry after he left the house and started his own independent life. The dark circles (I conveniently hide with make-up) that appeared after sleepless nights and sorrow from lost of those I loved. My gray hair that is a symbol of wisdom and strength. I am 39 years young and honestly I look in the mirror and sometime ask..."Who are you?" I see the changes in my face and body and realize I am "getting older". It's okay with me though....I can't wait to see what my 40's will bring....50's....60's, etc. I do sigh a little when I look back on those younger years (I am NOT old....I'm just saying....the past is always the younger years). I am thankful I did live and am living my life to the fullest. With the same breath I am excited about the Wonder Woman I continue to become. In all that I do, I am TRUE to myself and do it with ultimate style and grace. After all, getting older is the answer to getting younger. Wait and see, GOD willing the 90 year old me will be front and center at New York Fashion Week, drinking mimosas on the beach in Brazil and will be known as the Coolest Grandma around!!!! Love you all!!