Letters

Greetings friends! I pray the day is treating you well.  Why did people stop writing letters?  Letters are what we have along with pictures to cherish and remember those when they are gone.  I used to ask my father to write me letters.  I wanted his handwriting and words so I could read and get lost in my memories.  I wanted to be able to see his print, the curve of the pen and hear him speak from the written words on paper. 

Before email, cell phones, text messages or just a phone line at home, letters were all we had to communicate.  Lovers would write expressing their feelings and sharing their commitments with each other.  They would write of longing and yearning to hold their precious love close.  Letters filled the memory boxes of our grandmothers, great grandmothers and the many grandmothers before.

I would anxiously await letters from my sister when she was in college.  I remember the excitement of getting mail and hearing about her adventures as a co-ed.  As soon as I finished reading her letters I would write her back and tell of my 8/9 year old activities. 

I found a postcard I sent my Grandmother while I lived in Mexico.  The passion and emotion I felt at the time and expressing that to her on paper was priceless.  Even more was finding the postcard in her room long after her death and knowing that she kept my correspondence and how that alone warmed my heart. 

I write letters to my son.  I started writing while he was growing inside me.  I wrote to him as if I wouldn’t be here to share his life.  I wrote of my excitement as he would grow up to become a young boy, a teen, a young man, a college grad.  I wrote to him about his first love, his first heartbreak.  I wrote to him about the day he marries and becomes a father.  I wrote to him about my prayers and dreams for his life.  I still write to him.  I continue to share his life…past, present and future….in prose.  He has never read these letters.  They are not for him to read today but for him to read when I am gone.  My words and my memory for him to have and share with his future generations to come. 

Perhaps that is why I blog.  My thoughts, ideas, fears, failures and success are written.  They are forever there.  What was on my mind at that given moment is on paper for anyone and everyone to read.  This piece of me will live forever. 

Love you all!!!

Birthday Girl!

Greetings friends!!  I pray the day is treating you well!!

Well…..today is my birthday…43 years young to be exact!!  I am always grateful every birthday and thankful for what has been given to me.  I use my birthday as a time to reflect on the last year of my life and the changes that have occurred.  This last year has been one of transformation.  When I turned 42 I was dealing with challenges and obstacles both personal and professional.  It was a time when I felt I had very little control.  It was a time when I was being forced to grow and stretch myself more than I knew I could. 

Work was overwhelming…..travel and time away from home.  Daddy was living with me, Porter was not adjusting to my schedule from the year and honestly I felt like I was losing it as a team member at work, a mother and a daughter. 

What I learned last year after my birthday was that I was stronger than any situation placed before me.  I began to understand that in order for me to handle all that was placed upon me, I had to recognize and maximize my strengths while identifying my weaknesses and turning those weaknesses into strengths. 

Beginning with work……

My work schedule was crazy and I was traveling every other week.  I wasn’t performing at my peak or in my core but staying in my extremes…..over promising and under delivering, working to perform but not at mastery then drifting into no man’s land because there is too much to do and not enough time (or time management) to do it in.  My results did not reflect my abilities and I allowed my personal life to spill over into my professional life.  After a few hard conversations I understood what was missing.  I was missing.  By that I mean, I stopped thinking for myself, I stopped managing my business, I stopped listening to my creative voice, I stopped being an Entrepreneur.  I wasn’t doing anything I knew how to do.  Once I was able to see that, I was able to change it.  Change started immediately.  The changes at work began to take flight the minute I made changes at home. 

 

Then there was me……..

Who knew how much stress effects one’s life?!?  I had never been a stress eater….food has never been my source of comfort during times of turmoil.  All of a sudden I was eating chips (Cheetos to be exact), fast food and drinking wine (okay, I still drink wine….just not as much LOL).  When times at work were overwhelming I would come home and eat Cheetos.  When home was overwhelming, I would eat Cheetos…..Cheetos and everything else turned into 25 additional pounds.  Nothing like your pants being too tight or seeing yourself in a picture to make you realize it is time for a change.  Have you ever been able to rest your crossed arms on top of your stomach?!  Yeah…….not a good look.  I made a decision….a decision to regain control of my life.  My stress reliever was working out.  There is nothing like being sick and tired of where you are to make changes.  I followed an intense program and strict diet.  6 weeks later, I was 25 pounds lighter and still counting!!  I knew that the person looking in the mirror was not me and I wanted to see her again.  I praised GOD for allowing me not only to recognize my triggers and the consequence of allowing them to take control but for giving me the internal strength and desire to overcome.  As I transformed my body and cleared my mind, things at work became clear and home became a lot easier. 

 

A house is not a home…..

Porter was not happy with the schedule I was working and I couldn’t blame him.  He was also adjusting to changes at school and with Daddy living with us.  Being a 6^th grader introduced a new dynamic he was ready for but not ready for it when I was barely around.  Daddy moved in that summer.  His health was at the beginning stages of a soon decline one year later.  I loved my time with him and we created some very special memories.  No one prepares you for the changes your parent will undergo as their age becomes a factor.  The forgetfulness, falling, becoming dependent and regressing to the stages of a young child and baby during the beginning of their life.  I had to learn how to ask for help.  I was grateful for my patience and thankful I identified and accepted the role I was in at that point.  Porter saw his Grandfather differently and we both appreciated our relationship with him and understood how to overcome our perceived challenges. 

 

It is time……

GOD does not give us more than we can bear.  HE gives us exactly what we need and sometimes a little bit more.  It is up to us on how we deal with all HE places upon us.  At work I trusted myself and my team.  We saw each day as a new day to make a difference and raise our performance.  We achieved the results and I learned exactly what I was made of and who I was.  For myself, I relished in the process of transformation.  I found great joy in being disciplined and accountable.  The physical changes were only a small part of my transformation.  I have been able to connect with a part of my internal self I had never found before.  At home I showed my son the true meaning of unconditional love.  I watched him bond on a deeper level with my father.  I bonded on a deeper level with my father as well and had a greater appreciation for what my mother did when she cared for her mother. 

 

If only we had a crystal ball to tell us what was coming and all that life had in store.  I suppose if we did, life would be kind of boring.  The plus side would be being able to tell those you love how you feel and never letting a single moment go by. 

 

Today I am 43 years young.  I reflect on the last year of my life and I am so eternally grateful for all GOD has given to me.  I didn’t know that this year my father wouldn’t be here to share this birthday with me.  He was 43 when I was born and today so am I.  I found a birthday note he wrote to me on my 39^th birthday.  His message is a true now as it was then.  The good Lord has not given me a lot of loss.  He has given me an abundance of love.  I may have loss the physical being of my father but his love lives in me forever and ever.  This birthday was a little harder than the ones before but no less special.  For the favor the Lord has bestowed is not unnoticed and never taken for granted. 

 

Who knows what this next year will bring?  I don’t have a crystal ball……that’s okay.  I will be ready for what is to come my way……..grateful, humble and blessed. 

 

Happy Birthday to me!!!

Love you all!!!

Life and Death

Greetings to all!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  I always try in my post to provide some insight and something motivational to help others work through trials and have a positive outlook on the different challenges of life.  As I share these post, it serves to be a moment of inspiration and clarity for me.  They are always personal and are birthed from some personal experience I would have recently had. 

The loss of those we love is difficult for anyone.  I have experienced it a few times in my life and the process never gets any easier.  We hope we are lucky enough to make wonderful memories with those we care so much for.  We should, while they are living, take advantage of the time we are able to spend together.  I find that the fear of loss is what is frightful.  To be left to live without those we care so much about is difficult to imagine but we all know it is a time that will come sooner or later. 

Some loss occurs unexpectedly…….a car accident, a heart attack or any other event that would take our loves one before we (or they) are prepared.  Then of course there is loss that occurs due to ailing health, when you know your loved one will soon pass.  Let’s not forget old age…..none of us are immortal.

The loss of my Grandmother Sneed was the first time I really experienced that emotion and the void that is left when someone so dear to you is no longer here.  She suffered from cancer……such an awful disease.  I was 27 years old.  She was my Mother’s mother and the only Grandparent I really knew.  I won’t say I was ready for her to go but I had an understanding of her condition, her age and the effects of cancer. 

When my Great-Aunts passed away, I was prepared more for their death.  They were elderly and becoming sick so I knew that time would come. 

I was fortunate enough to work for a great leader.  Dr. Steffan was my mentor and someone I looked up to.  He taught me everything I know about dentistry.  He too was diagnosed with cancer.  His death however was unexpected.  We thought he was getting treatment and would recover.  We had no idea how bad he was.  When I received the call that he had passed away, I was so shocked, scared, upset and heartbroken.  The funny thing about life and death is that before Dr. Steffan passed away, I had a dream about him.  We were at work and I saw Dr. Steffen pull up outside.  I needed to talk to him and as I chased behind him, calling his name, I couldn’t catch him.  He kept saying, “You know what to do Susan”.  Those were his words to me and I kept telling him I needed to speak to him but he wouldn’t stop for me to catch up.  Shortly thereafter, he passed away.  I had a few more dreams about him after that…..always worked related and at a time when I was struggling and needed his guidance. 

I have also had dreams about my best friend’s Mother, Mrs. Bates.  I loved her dearly and her death had a big impact on me.  She would be in my dreams, always out of reach but around and I could see her and tried to talk to her.  I had a dream that my Grandmother was living again.  She was living across the street from me but I could never see her and she would never come out of the house.  I thought she was living although I knew she was not.  I had this recurring dream for some time before it finally just stopped. 

Today I sit in the hospital.  I am forced to face the reality that my Father may soon depart this earth.  It is a moment of denial for me.  I look at him in the hospital bed and can’t help but be optimistic that he is going to wake up and go home.  He is 86 years old.  He has had a wonderful life and has been blessed beyond measure.  I understand however that he is ill and he is elderly.  He has Alzheimer’s, Dementia, cancer on his kidney and pneumonia.  Even with all of that, he looks good, his color is great, he is trying to talk and knows when you are around.  We sit today and watch the beginning of the National Republican Convention.  My father…….always the politician, the leader, the fighter and the crusader. 

I don’t know what the next few days look like, the next few weeks or the next few months.  What I do know is that I love my Father, I have been a good daughter and I know I have made him proud. 

Love you all!!!!

Ignorance!

Greetings my friends.  I pray the day is treating you well.  What do you do when ignorance is right in front of you?  How do you respond……..or don’t respond……when someone spews verbal hatred?  I don’t understand racism, prejudice or bigotry.  I don’t understand why ignorance runs rampant in our world. 

I have spent the last 5 days enjoying Paris.  I have experienced a different culture and way of life.  I have watched fashionistas with Gucci cross body bags ride bicycles in the Champ de Elysees.  I have observed different races, different cultures converse about what they see and their experiences, in what is said to be, one of the best places on Earth. 

Tonight we celebrated the birthday of my dear friend.  We dressed up, ate at a beautiful hotel, drank wine, laughed, snapped pictures, talked and embraced our environment.  At the end of our evening, we walked outside ready to take some last minute photos before our Uber arrived. 

What happened next was unexpected and disappointing.  A group of people (obviously drunk….at least I hope they were) got into their car in front of where we were standing.  “1, 2, 3, 4, catch a Nigger by the toe!”……….Now say what?!?!  Did I really just hear that?  Did this really just happen?  Okay…….let me think before I act.  The natural response that brews inside when that word is heard is something that I can’t explain.  I am in Paris, they are in a car, I am with my son, I am with my friend, she is with her baby…….okay let me think before I act. 

My son, being ever so observant, said “Mom…..don’t!  Mom…..I see you, let it go!”  So, I stood there and stared……I stared at the passengers in the car.  I stared at the silly, drunk, ignorant buffoons in the back seat.  The girls saw me looking…..eyes piercing their vehicle.  As if I were Superman with laser focus burning the back of the car.  They ducked down (as if I couldn’t see them).  They told the men up front to drive off (which they did not for several minutes).  They would not look at me.  When they did and I was STILL staring, they quickly turned away.  As they drove out one girl mumbled something about Cookie Lyon….blah, blah, blah and off they went. 

In the moment of processing my thoughts I realized that ignorance is ignorance.  Yes, my reaction was to go over to the car, grab someone by the hair, pull them out and proceed to unleash my fury.  My reaction was to walk to the window and spit in the face of hatred.  Those words are hatred!  I could never imagine myself saying ANYTHING like that of any race!  Who does that?  When is that okay?  How is that okay?  How do you fix your mouth to say those words?  Cracker…..Honkey…….Sand Nigger…….Chink…….Wetback……..Oreo……..whatever the word, it is all the same……ignorance.  Racism, prejudice and bigotry are birthed from ignorance.  Ignorance of other cultures, ignorance of other races, ignorance of action, ignorance. 

I would have never thought that I would come to Paris and be subject to such a thing.  Don’t get me wrong, it happens everywhere, but in this moment, it was so unexpected and so disappointing.

If you have never been on the receiving end, then it may be hard for you to understand.  It may be hard for you to identify with the feelings, the blood boiling, the heart pounding, the fist clinching, the anger you feel when someone disrespects who you are. 

I continued to stare the car down and even took a photo to somehow public shame these idiots.  As they drove off, I understood what I witnessed was ignorance.  We will fight, not with our fists but with our words, our actions, creating awareness, having conversations, championing change and bridging the gaps.  I will educate my son so he is aware, he is prepared, he is informed and he is enlightened.  He just had the opportunity to meet a beautiful woman from Morocco who spoke so passionately about her world travels, her time in America and her life in Paris.  She told him how he would be loved in Morocco.  She was so open and so true. 

That was a moment I had to let pass.  That was a moment I had to recognize the ignorance and let them be.  That was a moment I used to teach my son some very valuable life lessons.  Things I pray he never experiences but unfortunately I am afraid he will again. 

Does it ever stop?  I don’t know, I hope so, I pray so.  Today was a good day…..it was a great day.  So, I see ignorance as ignorance and chose to let them be.  The next person may not be so forgiving.  I may not be so forgiving.  Let us educate, embrace and respect.  You don’t have to know me but you will respect me. 

Love to you all!!!

Paris!

Greetings to all!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  

Is it necessary to pinch myself?  I sit here looking around the room and realize again….I am in Paris!!!  There is something magical about this city.  I understand all the hype that goes into Paris!!!  My son and I ventured across the ocean to come to a land we have never explored before.  How would the flight be?  How would he be?  What would he eat?  That is the million dollar question.  My son has a very limited palate….something unfortunately he inherited from me (not now but as a kid).  We have managed to survive so far.  The food is only a small part however of this Parisian adventure.  For him to experience another country, another culture at an age that he will remember is a priceless opportunity for me. 

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I experienced other countries at a young age.  I did chose to study Spanish in college although I had no exposure to the language or culture outside of high school Spanish.  I would have moved to Mexico had I not become pregnant with my son.  Knowing that I have a love of languages naturally, I wonder what would have been if at 12 yrs. old, I was able to see Europe? 

I could see myself living in Paris.  The beautiful scenery, the landscape.  The fashion and uniqueness of everyone walking down the street.  I love the play of dressy attire with tennis shoes and denim jackets.  Smoking is like drinking water here…..very interesting.  I wonder how many people in France have lung cancer.  I tend to believe not as many as in the US (percentage of people with cancer in accordance to number of residents).  I think their tobacco is probably not as toxic as ours with lots of other things added to it.  I don’t know…..I will have to research that. 

It is a social city.  The restaurants are full of people eating bread, olives, nuts and cheese while drinking wine.  From early afternoon to late evening, it is as if no one wants to go home.  In the summer, the days are light until late, late evening.  With the early rise of the sun the markets open, shop keepers are sweeping the sidewalks.  There are people out having café and croissants.  The morning is just as active as the evening.  Everyone is stylish in their own way.  There is a sense of style that resonates throughout the entire city. 

For this American girl, I am enjoying my adventures overseas.  I am enjoying my time abroad.  I am so grateful that I am able to share this experience with my son.  I am so blessed to have friendships that transcend time and I am able to be here with my best friend.  I am so thankful for the freedom of time to be able to be here.  I am humbled by the adventures I am able to take that so many are unable to achieve.  I am grateful that the good LORD gave me this life.  To HIM I give honor and praise and appreciate the beauty of the world he created.

And so, GOD willing, I will wake tomorrow and continue to explore this city….Paris!

Love you all!!!!

Contribution

Greetings friends!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  As I enjoy a beautiful and sunny Sunday afternoon, I find myself thinking about the planet and the environment in which I live.  I find myself thinking about the luxuries I enjoy everyday and the accessibility to those things I desire. 

I am currently taking a class that has focused a great deal on the ability of a society to sustain itself and whether or not our actions of today will lead to a collapse of that society tomorrow.  Examples have been given of other societies that have collapsed (i.e. Easter Island) but now in the final days of class, we are focused on our comsuption and irresponsible behavior in the U.S.

I have never been one for "Go Green".  Not that I oppose recycling but I am truly a consumer.  I leave lights on, the TV is on in more than one room, I don't unplug electronics while not in use.  All of these things not because I am trying to destroy the environment, but because I never really thought that my attention to this detail would make a big difference.

As I educate myself however, I am learning that attention to these details will make a difference.  I stopped buying bottled water and instead have my one water bottle that I refill everyday.  I use my tote bags in Wal-Mart, Target and grocery stores instead of using the plastic bags they have at checkout.  I am working on unplugging unused electronics....but will admit, I am not totally there yet.  I truly believe educating yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself because it is through this that my eyes have opened a little more.

So what's the point of all of this.....well simply put, a little bit from everyone makes a difference.  I am not becoming an environmentalist....at least not yet.....but I am becoming aware of what is going on around me and the role that I play in my environment.  I also planted a garden.....a way to sustain myself  and my family....my contribution to the bigger picture.  Perhaps one day my consumption will decrease, I will depend on solar power, I will stop watching TV....or at least decrease the amount that I do.  Until then I feel good knowing I made a start...took a few steps.  My job now is to inform and educate my son.  After all, it's my job to make sure the world he is left to live in is one worth having. 

Find your mojo, know your role and educate yourself!!!  Love you all!!!

What's My Worth?

Greetings friends!!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  My blog today is about worth.  What is your worth, more importantly (as it pertains to this blog) a woman's worth.

As I searched Google for various articles, I came across one about Master P, his wife Sonya and their impending divorce.  She is asking for 37% of his vast billion dollar fortune.  Since their relationship began back in the day and Master P was simply a hustling man working his way to fame and fortune, a prenup was not signed.  Now it seems Master P doesn't think his wife is deserving of the money she is asking for. 

So my question to you is.....what's a woman's worth?  Many women stand beside their man as he works hard to achieve the success he so deeply desires.  So many of these relationships begin in high school, college, grad school etc. when he is another struggling Joe Blow working his way up the corporate ladder.  It is during this time that a woman proves her value and shows how much faith she has in the man she loves.  It is during this time that they may live together, marry and/or start a family.  If he is in school, she may work so he doesn't have to and can focus on his studies.  She may work and pay all the bills so he can focus on building a music career, start a business or have time to train and develop his athletic skills.  It is during this time that she will be the encourager, motivator, sh*t taker, secretary, travel agent, life coach, business manager, study partner, housekeeper, solo child care provider and lover.  It is during this time she may forgo her own ambitions and dreams so he can focus on his....sometimes with the promise of "next year baby, you can work on that" only to find that "next year" doesn't come. 

Her hard work, determination and devotion is greatly rewarded when her man achieves his success.  She is probably more proud than he because she was able to watch him work hard and grow into the man he has become.  She knows her love and support never waivered and she stood beside him all this time. 

The fairy tale is that they continue to grow together, she is able to achieve her goals and dreams too.  They provide a life for their family that perhaps was never a reality for them as children.  She is his right hand and his biggest cheerleader.  He values her and everything she did for him so he could do what he needed to for himself, for her, their family and THEIR future.  In the fairy tale, they grow old together and love each other until the day they die.

Sometimes the fairy tale is the reality but when it is not....then what?  Are all the things that occurred up to that point null and void?  Were her sacrifices in vain?  During the rise of his success did she endure other hardships....cheating, left to raise a family alone, left in the shadows and left to tolerate all of it.....after all, she gave up her youth for him....there is no way she is walking away now. 

At the moment when divorce seems inevitable, what is her worth then?  Is she told..."you didn't make me....I made me".  Is she left for a younger version of herself?  Is she devalued by her children because they only see a "Mom" who stayed home while Dad worked....not the smart, savvy, resourceful woman she really is? 

If the roles were reversed.....if men stayed home, played the supportive role while their girlfriend, wife, worked hard to achieve her dreams of becoming a pop star, CEO, doctor, lawyer, business owner....if after she gave birth, she went back to work and he stayed home with the kids, did her errands, took care of managing the family while she worked 15 hour days, only to end in divorce and told "you didn't make me, I made me....you aren't entitled to any of MY fortune", would he feel the same or say "okay...no problem....let me start my life over at 40, 50 or 60 years old".  How we he feel?  How would you feel?

I have an opinion on this matter and I have seen the above scenario play out in real life.  I have seen the effects and understand the cause.  A woman's worth can not be valued by a dollar amount because if she is a strong woman, who loves her family and loved her man.....the sacrifices she made are priceless.  All I can say Master P and others who may feel the same.......if you take a look back over your life, look at the one who gave up herself for you, she would be entitled to part of the life she helped you build. 

Unfortunately ladies.....we are often on the short end of the stick.  Find your MOJO, build your life and never forget who you are.....the true being of your core is never gone, regardless of how much of her you think you gave away.

Love you all!!!