September 15, 2016

Greetings friends!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  Yesterday I was reviewing some notes in my journal and came across some of thoughts I wrote down on September 15, 2016.  As many of you know, I have been somewhat open and vulnerable (via writing) and thought I would share what I wrote in the fall last year......


Today I travel back home after being gone for 3 days.  I went to Arizona and Denver.....always for work.  This morning started as any other day.  I woke up, worked out, went back to the room and got dressed.  What I did not expect was the flood of emotions that quickly consumed me.  Those emotions started with irritation at the hotel when I couldn't figure out how to get to the 2nd floor.  When I went to the lobby and asked the front desk lady where to go, she directed me to the 5th floor.  "Okay lady, this isn't right!"  I text Deborah to see where she was but she didn't respond so out of saving someone form my impending wrath, I went to get the car from the garage.  I drove back around, went inside the hotel to get Deborah.  At that point I realized what I was looking for on the 2nd floor was actually called the atrium.  I was hungry and wanted some coffee but concierge service would not be my friend today.  Off to the airport we went.  Why I was moody and irritable, I don't know but I wasn't very talkative on the drive to the airport.  I dropped Deborah off at the terminal since her flight was before mine.  I am sure the tension energy coming from my body was felt but she maintained herself and continued as if I was normal. 


I drove on to drop off the rental car and head to the gate.  I was just in a mood!  I made my way through the airport, grabbed some food, ate and waited.  During the wait for boarding is when the water works decided to fall.  I was simply scrolling Facebook when I came across a post from a sweet friend of mine.  It was her mothers birthday.  She lost her mother many years ago to cancer...fucking disease!!!  Anyway her post was so beautiful and moving that before I knew it, the tears were coming!!  I didn't really know her mother so why was I so emotional?  Was it because I recently lost Daddy?  Was it because airports have a different feeling for me when traveling alone?  After all, it was at the airport that I cried sitting at the bar after Daddy passed.  Was it because I was PMSing?.....fucking periods!!!  I usually attribute high emotion to periods!  I really don't why I was crying like I did but what I do know is that I cried a lot...at the gate, in the bathroom....I couldn't pull it together!  During this emotional breakdown I decide to accept the challenge my friend threw out and cut my hair to donate to Locks for Love for cancer victims.  I even posted it so I couldn't back out!  This is for you Nicole and your mom.  This is for you Jamie as you fight for your life. 


So I board the plane.  I usually sit in an aisle seat so I don't have to disturb others when I have to pee but I sit by the window instead.  That was smart, especially given how much water I drank and diet pills I'm taking.  That was smart!-NOT!  Anyway, the plane is full and sitting next to me is the woman who I sat next to at the gate who also witnessed all my tears. She looked at me with sympathy and asked if I was okay.  It was as if she wanted me to feel better and not feel alone.  Thank you pretty lady, I think I'll be okay.  I am ready to get home.  I miss my family.  I miss my home.  Why did I sit by the window?!?!....fucking bladder!  I land in an hour or so.  Off to get the kiddo from school then the salon.  I think a new hairdo is just what I need.  I started working out again.  I stopped after Daddy died.  I started drinking a little more wine (just a glass or bottle or two) so that with no exercise leads to gaining 8lbs.  I'll get it off...I'll find myself...I'll breathe again. 


Emotions come in waves.  Those waves hit you so unexpectedly and hard.  All you can do is breathe, go under and come back up.  The waters get calm and then they get rough.  When they get rough I will hold on and push through. 


Still on the plane.  This flight was actually shorter than I anticipated......still have to pee but holding it.  I should do more kegels!  Okay so I have relief now that we landed.  I made a bee line to the bathroom...YES!  I made it!!  Travel is always eventful!  I am so glad to be home, still need to release some emotion but at least I can cry in the car.  The hair is coming off today....can't wait! 


Live in the moment....this too shall pass!