September 15, 2016

Greetings friends!!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  Yesterday I was reviewing some notes in my journal and came across some of thoughts I wrote down on September 15, 2016.  As many of you know, I have been somewhat open and vulnerable (via writing) and thought I would share what I wrote in the fall last year......


Today I travel back home after being gone for 3 days.  I went to Arizona and Denver.....always for work.  This morning started as any other day.  I woke up, worked out, went back to the room and got dressed.  What I did not expect was the flood of emotions that quickly consumed me.  Those emotions started with irritation at the hotel when I couldn't figure out how to get to the 2nd floor.  When I went to the lobby and asked the front desk lady where to go, she directed me to the 5th floor.  "Okay lady, this isn't right!"  I text Deborah to see where she was but she didn't respond so out of saving someone form my impending wrath, I went to get the car from the garage.  I drove back around, went inside the hotel to get Deborah.  At that point I realized what I was looking for on the 2nd floor was actually called the atrium.  I was hungry and wanted some coffee but concierge service would not be my friend today.  Off to the airport we went.  Why I was moody and irritable, I don't know but I wasn't very talkative on the drive to the airport.  I dropped Deborah off at the terminal since her flight was before mine.  I am sure the tension energy coming from my body was felt but she maintained herself and continued as if I was normal. 


I drove on to drop off the rental car and head to the gate.  I was just in a mood!  I made my way through the airport, grabbed some food, ate and waited.  During the wait for boarding is when the water works decided to fall.  I was simply scrolling Facebook when I came across a post from a sweet friend of mine.  It was her mothers birthday.  She lost her mother many years ago to cancer...fucking disease!!!  Anyway her post was so beautiful and moving that before I knew it, the tears were coming!!  I didn't really know her mother so why was I so emotional?  Was it because I recently lost Daddy?  Was it because airports have a different feeling for me when traveling alone?  After all, it was at the airport that I cried sitting at the bar after Daddy passed.  Was it because I was PMSing?.....fucking periods!!!  I usually attribute high emotion to periods!  I really don't why I was crying like I did but what I do know is that I cried a lot...at the gate, in the bathroom....I couldn't pull it together!  During this emotional breakdown I decide to accept the challenge my friend threw out and cut my hair to donate to Locks for Love for cancer victims.  I even posted it so I couldn't back out!  This is for you Nicole and your mom.  This is for you Jamie as you fight for your life. 


So I board the plane.  I usually sit in an aisle seat so I don't have to disturb others when I have to pee but I sit by the window instead.  That was smart, especially given how much water I drank and diet pills I'm taking.  That was smart!-NOT!  Anyway, the plane is full and sitting next to me is the woman who I sat next to at the gate who also witnessed all my tears. She looked at me with sympathy and asked if I was okay.  It was as if she wanted me to feel better and not feel alone.  Thank you pretty lady, I think I'll be okay.  I am ready to get home.  I miss my family.  I miss my home.  Why did I sit by the window?!?!....fucking bladder!  I land in an hour or so.  Off to get the kiddo from school then the salon.  I think a new hairdo is just what I need.  I started working out again.  I stopped after Daddy died.  I started drinking a little more wine (just a glass or bottle or two) so that with no exercise leads to gaining 8lbs.  I'll get it off...I'll find myself...I'll breathe again. 


Emotions come in waves.  Those waves hit you so unexpectedly and hard.  All you can do is breathe, go under and come back up.  The waters get calm and then they get rough.  When they get rough I will hold on and push through. 


Still on the plane.  This flight was actually shorter than I anticipated......still have to pee but holding it.  I should do more kegels!  Okay so I have relief now that we landed.  I made a bee line to the bathroom...YES!  I made it!!  Travel is always eventful!  I am so glad to be home, still need to release some emotion but at least I can cry in the car.  The hair is coming off today....can't wait! 


Live in the moment....this too shall pass!

Gratitude? Or am I in my feelings?

Why should I smile when I see you?  Remember, you left me.  

Why should I appreciate what you have done for me?  Do you appreciate what I did for you? 

I watched you grow up.  I fed you.  I nourished you.  I loved you.  Did you forget? 

Yes you loved me too.  You helped me become better.  You gave me the breath of life. 

We were good to each other. 

No, I wasn’t perfect.  But neither were you. 

When I needed you the most, you didn’t come through. 

We celebrated the good and cried during the bad. 

We vowed that regardless of what happened, we would stay true to each other. 

The last night we had was supposed to be perfect.  We were supposed to reach our greatest height. 

What happened that night?  Something was wrong and you weren’t yourself but I didn’t know why. 

Maybe it was because you were already gone.  Someone else had a hold on your heart. 

You could have told me.  We could have worked it out. 

Instead you decided to leave without giving it one more try. 

You deserve to be happy….I’m not saying you don’t.  That was never in question. 

Just don’t be a coward.  Don’t be a sneak.  Don’t go behind my back. 

You quit too soon. 

Now you are back.  Am I supposed to be happy?  Am I supposed to welcome you with open arms? 

“Remember what I gave you?”  Yeah, I remember.  I also remember how you left. 

Don’t look to me for your forgiveness.  Don’t look for me to be your saving grace. 

Perhaps one day you will be forgiven, perhaps one day you won’t. 

You have your feelings.  I have mine too. 

The best thing I can say right now is…..Bye Boo!

Odd Man Out

Greetings Friends!!  I pray the day is treating you well.  Remember when we were kids and making friends, trying to fit in was all that mattered?  I grew up with the same group of friends from kindergarten to 12^th grade.  I never had to “make friends”.  We were established in our role, hierarchy and social status before we knew what any of that meant.  College was different.  I connected easily with less than a handful of people.  I didn’t socialize well or make many friends.  Honestly though, I didn’t care…..simply because I had my friends back home. 

It is interesting to see however as we grow up and our lives evolve, the process of friendship doesn’t change.  In fact, I think for some of us, it gets even harder.  If you are married, you become friends with other married people.  Your circle expands with the spouses of your spouse’s friends.  Once children are part of the equation, the friend circle gets bigger with the parents of your kids friends. 

There are a few dynamics that can significantly change the relationships mentioned above.  Let’s say you get divorced…….well, the “couples” you were such good friends with don’t necessarily want their husband or wife hanging out with the newly single you.  All of a sudden, the invites slow down, people are busy or the evening out is for couples and you would be the odd man out.  It becomes uncomfortable for you and for them. 

Let’s not forget…..All the Single Ladies…..boy Beyoncé tried it didn’t she!?!?!  Single women around the world put their hands up in solidarity!!  Well sisters…..where is that solidarity when you are the new “single” mom on the block?  I don’t mean divorced mom….but truly, never been married single mom.  The single mom at school, trying to make friends with all the married moms has to be the hardest friendships to create.  It takes a moment for them to let you in.  It is as if they are waiting it out…..what is her kid like?  Are they here for one year?  Is she flighty?  She isn’t divorced…….oh, she is a single mom L  It is said with a little tone of “poor baby girl”.  There is always one married mom however to welcome you to the fold.  She slowly introduces you to the group.  They offer to let you carpool during fieldtrips.  Or speak to you during school plays….”Hi….how are you?  So good to see you!”  Of course said with a little smile and side hug.  The only thing is, you aren’t in the circle.  The first sign is when you see a few pictures on social media and think….”hmm, they all went out?”  Let’s not forget the family vacation trips or the girl’s trips or the dinner dates or the house hangovers or…..STOP!!!! 

Why do we seek approval?  We all have a core group of people we spend our time with.  Still however, especially women, we want, desire, crave and need to be accepted in all social circles.  We start to feel some kind of way when one of the friend groups doesn’t openly let us in. 

It is a strange dynamic to witness and even stranger to be a part of.  I guess at the end of the day, we never stop being little kids wanting to make friends on the playground.  We never stop wanting to sit at the table during lunch and have someone openly welcome us in.  The best thing we can do is remember what it feels like to be left out and vow not to be a contributor to the problem.  No one wants to be the “Odd Man Out”.

Love you all!!